The day I lost my mind
One day I lost my mind. I looked for it everywhere but I could not find it. I searched the house, underneath the bed, in the fridge, down the back of the sofa. I checked that I had not left it outside the front door or inadvertently put it in the recycling bin. I retraced my steps, asking myself where I had been since I last remembered having it, but the memory of when and where I had last ‘had it’ was slipping from my grasp as a dream does upon awakening. I got scared, then I got angry. It struck me that it was extremely careless to lose such a precious thing as one’s mind. Why had I not taken more care of it? I emptied out the dustbins and searched through the rubbish but it was not there. I began to panic. What if I had flushed it down the toilet? I would never get it back. It would be floating in the sewers somewhere. I sat down with my head in my hands and noticed that my head felt very light, almost empty. I wondered if my brain had shrunk now my mind had gone. I stayed away from people, worried that they might notice that my brain had shrunk. Eventually someone knocked on the door but I did not answer it. The person kept coming back and shouting through the door to ask if I was okay. Eventually I shouted that I had lost my mind and the best thing would be to leave me alone. This individual then asked me what it looked like and I tried to describe it as best I could but found it a struggle. He then asked me if I had a photograph of it but i could not remember having ever taken one. Never mind, he said. I know where all the lost minds hang out up there beyond the stars. I’m going there tomorrow, I’ll have a look for you. Wait a minute, I said, why don’t you take me with you to be sure we find the right mind. Ok he said, but I have to warn you it’s a long journey and there’s no guarantee we’ll ever find our way back. That’s ok, I said, I never really liked it much on Earth anyway.
The Granny Miggins Butterfly Effect
Granny Miggins adored bananas. In fact she ate nothing but bananas. Bananas for breakfast, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner, supper and for a midnight snack. It was not unusual for her to consume over twenty bananas a day, no mean feat for a frail little old lady. She wasn’t fat because she regularly had sex with Grandpa Miggins and their acrobatics in the bedroom kept them both lean and fit. She also did a ten mile trek there and back every day to the nearest Morrisons supermarket. One day last Spring Granny Miggins was in the middle of making such a trek and had arrived at Morrisons. She entered the store and headed for the fruit and vegetable aisles. She made a beeline for the place she knew the bananas would be displayed but received the shock of her life when she could not find any. They had obviously been sold out. Marching to Customer Services she summonsed her best aggrieved, dissatisfied customer look and then collared the person on duty. The young man looked no more than eighteen years old and had just been about to take his lunch break on which he was due to meet his girlfriend.
‘Can I help you madam?’ Granny Miggins tried to keep her cool.
‘Where are the bananas, they seem to have run out?’
‘Yes, I’m sorry madam but we’ve had a run on bananas today and we’re out of stock.’
‘OUT OF STOCK! But you can’t be!
‘I’m afraid we are, I’m very sorry for your inconvenience.’
‘Inconvenience my giddy aunt, it’s downright criminal, you call this a supermarket.’
‘Well we’re …’
‘I’d like to see the manager please.’
‘That might be a little difficult, I think he’s on his break.’
‘Never mind his break, go and find him.’
‘I can’t it’s …’
‘I said go and find him!’ The young man sighed.
‘Okay madam if you don’t mind waiting here I’ll see what I can do.’
Meanwhile the young shop assistant’s girlfriend was waiting for him in a cafe nearby. Bored with waiting, she gobbled down three jam doughnuts, ruining her weekly dietary plan for Weight Watchers. Unfortunately she choked on a piece of the last doughnut and though she coughed and coughed could not dislodge it. A man sitting opposite her came to her rescue First he slapped her on the back a few times but it did no good so after she had been choking a good two minutes he opted to perform the heimlich manoeuvre on her. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and then thrust inwards and upwards underneath her ribcage. At last the piece of doughnut shot up and out of her mouth. She gasped for breath and her face flushed red as the oxygen filled her lungs once more. When she had recovered her breath she thanked the man.
‘It was nothing love. Glad to be of service.’ She looked him up and down . He was smart, dressed in a three piece suit and had piercing blue eyes. His hair was shiny, shoulder length, black and straight and he wore a pocket watch and a spider broach. He was well-spoken and seemed to be cultured. She (Mary) invited him to sit with her and have a coffee and he obliged. Later that night Mary would be found dead, her body chopped in pieces in an alleyway near his home address. She had had no way of knowing that the man had a mother complex. His mother had adored jam doughnuts and fed him them constantly as a child. As a result he hated all women, but in particular women who ate jam doughnuts and he had grown up to be a psycopath and serial killer. Mary would have still been alive if her boyfriend (the assistant at Morrisons) had turned up to meet her for lunch, but he of course had been delayed. Meanwhile Mary’s mother was alone in her house. She had been waiting for Mary to turn up in the afternoon to take her and her dog, Spike, for a walk. They always went to the same park but on this day Spike did not get his walk. Now Mary and her mother, had they gone for their walk, would have bumped into Mrs. Silverton from Grange Avenue. They would have chatted to Mrs. Silverton for a while and then gone on their way and Mrs. Silverton would have returned home safely. However because Mrs. Silverton did not get delayed by Mary and her mother, she left the park earlier then she would have done and as a consequence was involved in an accident. She was driving her husband’s brand new Rolls Royce but, tragically, a silver Skoda smashed into her at the crossroads. Although she was unharmed, the Rolls Royce was a write-off and somehow Mrs. Silverton was going to have to explain this to her husband. He did not take it sitting down. He exploded with rage and wound up beating his wife to a pulp. The result of this was the next day the two of them agreed to get a divorce. While they were tied up in their rowing they missed their chance to vote at the polls in the General Election. They both would have voted UKIP and had they done so it would have tipped the balance, increasing the split in the Tory vote and putting Labour back in their constituency. But because they did not vote, the Conservatives took the constituency and as a result the Tories won the election. Several years later the British Government would ally with the United States in an invasion of Iran. Ultimately this would lead to the Third World War.
Granny Miggins had of course had no idea that her inability to buy her bananas had resulted in one woman choking on a doughnut and then being brutally murdered, another woman being involved in a car crash and getting a divorce and to top it all eventually the start of World War Three.